You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
