get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
