I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
