I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
