I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
