i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
