Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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