i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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