On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
