Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
