Whatcha textin bout Willis?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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