Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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