I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
