There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
