his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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