I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
