I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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