Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
