Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
