ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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