I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
