Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
