I should be sponsored by Trojan
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
