your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize