He had one of those small greek statue penises
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
