I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
