Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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