Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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