she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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