I looked at my own cervix.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
