you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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