Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
