I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
