she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
