I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my shit smells like andre
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
