it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Couch. On fire.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
