I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize