I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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