My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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