my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
