Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
