Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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