Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
