Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
