if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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