You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
