Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
