I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
