Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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