Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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