remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
