She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
