I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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