youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
