First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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