Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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