Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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