Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
