Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
