We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
